September 26, 2026
Events
Our upcoming book club pick, How to Know a Person by David Brooks, explores what it takes to help others feel truly seen and understood. Ahead of our four weeks together, I’m sharing why I chose it and a few ideas that have stayed with me.
Why I chose this book
People are a point of view. We see things not as they are, but as we are.
You can know someone, even love someone, and not truly see them. The art of seeing someone isn’t just knowing things about them, feeling connected, or having a good time together. It’s actually much deeper than that.
After reading How to Know a Person by David Brooks, I felt like my mind had been expanded into a whole new realm. I chose this book for our book club because it is the ultimate connective book. It offers excellent conversation starters, practical tools you can implement in your life, and so many ideas that are genuinely mentally stimulating.
If you’re anything like me, you love people. You’re fascinated by relationship dynamics, personality tests, human behavior, and all the psychological stuff that makes us who we are. This book is right up your alley. So, I’m going to give you a little taste of some of my favorite ideas from it.
Illuminators vs. Dimishers: how to see and not see a person
One of the first concepts Brooks talks about is Illuminators vs. Diminishers. In every room, Illuminators and Diminishers exist. Illuminators are people who genuinely believe there is something to learn from everyone they meet. They see people as souls, people to truly learn from and hold space for. They are curious, warm, and open.
Diminishers are more likely to have fixed opinions of others. They stereotype, judge, and generalize before getting curious about the truth. Of course, life isn’t black and white, and some people are naturally more comfortable asking questions or being open than others. I almost see it as a spectrum. Brooks even describes being an Illuminator as an ideal, something most of us fail at time and time again. It’s the intention and the practice that matter.
And that made me ask myself: How often am I really seeing the person in front of me, rather than seeing my idea of them?
The Importance of being Lingerable
I’ve never heard of anyone being described as lingerable, but if someone described you that way, wouldn’t that feel like the highest compliment? Brooks uses it to describe people who are so enjoyable to be around that you simply want to stay with them a little longer. You want to linger at the table after dinner, sit outside a little longer, or keep talking even when there’s nowhere else you need to be.
To give people the space to feel free to be themselves is a skill. It takes patience, presence, and self-awareness to truly master. It’s a choice, one that you make every day and in every conversation, or at least something to aim for. It’s one I have a feeling I’ll be chasing my whole life.
The stories we tell about ourselves
Another one of my favorite ideas from the book is that people see the world not with their eyes, but with their entire lives. I had never really heard it put that way before, but it makes perfect sense.
My sister, for example, isn’t much of a dog person because she was chased by one when she was a little girl. Someone else might find that almost cruel. How could you not like dogs? Especially someone who has only ever had wonderful experiences with them.
But in order to truly see someone, you have to make an effort to understand life as they have experienced it, not just as you have. We all carry our own experiences, memories, fears, comforts, and stories into the way we see the world. Two people can look at the exact same thing and experience it completely differently.
I think the more we can step outside of our own perspective, even just for a moment, the more space we create to understand why a person is the way they are. And maybe that’s where empathy, and ultimately deeper connection, begins.
Lastly
I guess knowing a person isn’t about having all the answers. Maybe it’s more about becoming a presence that is lingerable, intentionally curious, and willing to understand.
It’s an art form. It’s not something learned overnight, and I don’t think it’s something we’ll ever fully master. But after reading this book, I feel genuinely inspired to exist more in this way than ever before.
To be a little more curious. A little more present. And a little more intentional about the way I see the people around me.
And that’s what I want to explore together over these four weeks.