September 6, 2026
Mental Health
Dear Clara,
I feel embarrassed admitting this because I know I have a really good life. I have a good job, a great family, and good friends. But I find myself looking at friends on social media and feeling jealous. Someone is on an amazing trip, her kids look happy, and somehow she seems obsessed with her husband.
Then I feel guilty because I know I have so much to be grateful for. Is something actually missing? Am I ungrateful? I just know I don’t really feel pumped about my life, and I don’t know what to do with that.
Yours truly,
Unsure
Dear Unsure,
First, I want you to know how normal this is.
I’ve worked with hundreds of people over the years, and I’ve heard some version of what you’re describing again and again. In fact, some of the people you’re envying on Instagram may be wrestling with their own version of it. Welcome to being human <3.
One of my favorite concepts from Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Christopher Germer’s work on self-compassion is “common humanity.” They point out that while our negative beliefs about ourselves can feel incredibly personal, there may be as few as 15–20 common negative core beliefs that we humans tend to share: I’m not good enough. I’m unlovable. I’m a failure. I’m inadequate…to name a few.
Think about that for a second. There are more than eight billion people in the world. When your brain tells you, “I’m not enough,” it can feel like you’re the only person who hasn’t figured it out. But there are likely hundreds of millions of people walking around with some version of that exact same thought.
Common humanity is the practice of reminding yourself: “I am not alone in feeling this way.”
There’s something both sad and incredibly comforting about that. The very feeling that makes us want to hide from other people may actually be one of the things we share most deeply with them. To me, the comforting part is realizing that maybe this feeling isn’t evidence that something is wrong with you. Maybe it’s evidence that you’re human.
So, first things first: let’s leave the “shoulds” at the door.
“I should be grateful.” “I should be happier.” “I shouldn’t feel jealous.” Those thoughts may sound like an attempt to make yourself feel better, but they usually just add shame to whatever you were already feeling. You can be grateful for your life and still want something to be different. Both can be true.
And it may be worth getting curious about how much the “shoulds” have shaped the life you have now.
Not because you’ve made the wrong choices, but because sometimes we can become so good at building the life we’re supposed to want that we lose touch with what actually feels meaningful to us.
Now you might be thinking: Okay, great. If I stop doing what I “should” do, how am I supposed to know what I actually want?
Well, if you were sitting across from me in a coaching session, this is where I’d start:
What are you feeling? (Are you already asking for your money back in this hypothetical situation? Trust the process…)
And for now, I’m outlawing “good” and “bad.” Those aren’t actually feelings. If you have trouble finding the words, pull up a feelings wheel and see what resonates. Are you feeling lonely? Bored? Disconnected? Envious? Overwhelmed? Restless? Maybe it’s several of those things.
There are no wrong answers and no “bad” feelings. Some are certainly more uncomfortable to experience than others, but every feeling gives us information about ourselves in a given moment. And feelings are information, not instructions.
Feeling bored doesn’t mean you need to quit your job. Feeling lonely doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your marriage. Feeling jealous of your friend’s vacation doesn’t mean you need to book the same trip. But it might be telling you something worth hearing.
Instead of judging the jealousy, get curious about it.
What is it about her vacation that you’re drawn to? Maybe it’s the adventure. Maybe it’s freedom. Maybe you miss having something to look forward to. When you see the friend who seems madly in love with her husband, maybe you don’t want her marriage at all. Maybe you’re craving more connection, attention, playfulness, or romance in your own life.
You don’t necessarily want what someone else has. Sometimes what we envy in someone else’s life simply shines a light on something we value that could use a little more attention in our own.
And you don’t have to know exactly what you want yet. Not knowing can actually be a great place to start. You don’t need to decide whether your life needs some dramatic overhaul. Start smaller.
What are you feeling? → What might that feeling be telling you? → What has been missing lately? → What do you want more of? → Less of?
Then experiment.
If you’re craving adventure, what would a bite-sized start look like? Maybe you take a different route to work, go on a date to a new-to-you restaurant, or try that weird new workout you’ve been curious about. If you’re feeling disconnected, text the friend you keep meaning to see, ask someone to go for a walk, or put your phone away and really talk to your partner after the kids go to bed.
The point isn’t what you choose. It’s to start experimenting with small ways to bring more of what you’re craving into the life you already have.
You don’t have to blow up your life to make it feel more like your own. Sometimes the smallest changes begin with simply paying attention to what you’ve been telling yourself you shouldn’t feel.